LONG WHITE BEARDS...

...they'll grow on you

 

shavingcross3.jpg (11637 bytes)Yes, say goodbye to the tiresome, time-consuming daily ritual of SHAVING.

Do away with lather, blunt blades, blood...splat1.gif (286 bytes)

Save energy & precious resources with the all-natural look.

       Join the LONG BEARD Club today!

 

It's a commonly held belief that In the Beginning (or was it Once Upon a Time), God had a Long White Beard. Theologians maygodminibeardarrow.jpg (8426 bytes) split hairs but most are in basic agreement. No less an authority than Britney Spears recently statedancient-of-daysBlake.jpg (73631 bytes): 'an old man with a long white beard...that's God.' (Indeed, to this day, some of His die-hard Greek & Russian Orthodox priests persist in wearing beards, some quite long & also white.)

Of  course, that was in the Good Old Days, before He shaved it off, after creating the cutthroat razor. And He said 'let there be Gillette.'

 

mosesplus.jpg (26401 bytes)Hot on the heels of God, in the Judeo-Christian tradition at any rate, comes MOSES. 'Thou shalt wear facial hair' never quite made it into the Top Ten Commandments but it was a pretty close shave (or rather wasn't.)

 

 

 

 

 

laotzu2.jpg (14308 bytes)Lao-Tzu, venerable Chinese Sage (& veritable Onion), author of Taoist 'Bible', the 'Tao Te Ching' (brother of the famous 'I Ching'), was probably well-endowed with facial hair. Though no known contemporary likeness of him exists, this indentikit impression may not be too wide of the mark.immortalcom2.jpg (18379 bytes)

 

Other Taoist 'Immortals' tended to have Long White Beards too - they had plenty of time to grow them.

 

 

 

leonardobeard.gif (25792 bytes)

Leonardo da Vinci, the original Renaissance Man (tho some now suspect he was a closet hermaphrodite & the Mona Lisa was a self-portrait) rivalled God (see above) in both creativity & beard-length (could there be a correlation?)

 

 

 

Charldarwin1.gif (21693 bytes)es Darwin proved God (see above) didn't exist. Nonetheless, out of respDarwin_ape2.jpg (16948 bytes)ect, he still wore a beard, which over the course of many years evolved into a long white one. He was famously caricatured as a monkey, from which he claimed we are all descended, but that's another story.

Remaining clean-shaven may be an attempt by modern men to dissociate themselves from hairier ancestors. But, actually, where's the shame in being related to the Primates?

 

 

Marx_oldMedium.jpg (12009 bytes)Marx, Karl or 'Curl' as he was affectionately known to his friends on account of his perm. Political philosopher, father of modern communism & brother of the more famous Groucho (who only had a painted-on moustache).

 

 

1885tolstoy.jpg (12457 bytes)Tolstoy devoted his life to growing a Long White Beard. In his spare time he wrote some long books as well (eg 'War & Peace')

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nor is he the only writer to eschew the safety razor:

 

waltw3.jpg (32871 bytes)waltw4.jpg (31504 bytes)

Walt Whitman's Whiskers deserve special mention & pride of place in the pantheon of the hirsute.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

shaw3.jpg (4113 bytes)George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, socialist & vegetarian, best-known for his Long White Beard & the rough draft of My Fair Lady.

 

 

 

The list could go on & on...

Last but not least must be perhaps the best-known & most popular exemplar, Father Christmas.

santa10.gif (4690 bytes)Santa, the universally recognized Long White Beardy, like God, doesn't in fact exist, but don't tell that to the children. He may well be an flyagaric.gif (15476 bytes)hallucination caused by eating that notorious red & white mushroom beloved of Lapland flying reindeer shamen.Santa Claus on a laptop 3.jpg (27605 bytes)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ENCORE?

bearedlady2.jpg (23230 bytes)There are those who argue for a Female Deity, but that in itself is no bar to the Divine Beard. Haven't you heard of the Bearded Lady?

Others, still more ingeniously, point out that God is only DOG spelt backwards (this becomes obvious if you eat those notoriousbeardeddog2.gif (5983 bytes) red & white mushrooms) & there are canine breeds with the telltale LWB.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS - It is the author's ambition to have a Long White Beard when he finally grows up.

PPS - Apologies for omitting Merlin, Gandalf & Old Father Time etc...

(& presumably Methuselah who was no spring chicken!)

NB This long white page is still growing & may soon need a trim...

 

dkbeard1.jpg (91908 bytes)

As opposed to traditional societies where elders are revered, the 'modern world' is obsessed with Youth. So the appearance of aging must be kept at bay by any means possible & at all costs - hair dye, cosmetic surgery, collagen injections, botox, whatever it takes - to give the illusion of youthfulness.

This quest for eternal youth (in men, the Peter Pan syndrome) is of course good for business. Also highly profitable is the sale of grooming products (razors, pre & after shave) for that clean-shaven look. The ideal promulgated in adverts & glossy magazines is a man without facial hair - essentially a pre-pubescent. This is what adult men are expected to aspire to in our society. We are encouraged never to grow up.

After all we are 'civilised'. Only barbarians wear facial hair. A beard is interpreted as wild, animal. We prefer the smooth & tame. By this reckoning, beards are subversive, almost anti law & order (like letting the grass grow long instead of maintaining a manicured lawn). 'Fitting in' demands conformity, uniformity even, not the anarchic individuality of unchecked facial hair.

But a beard makes you look old. Yes & why should one fight it? Aging is a natural process. Here, a distinction must be made between youth & health. It is possible to be old & healthy.

Clean-shaven, the skin on your chin might be as smooth as a baby's bottom but the bottom line is: the daily shaving ritual is time-consuming, costs money & wastes resources (disposable razors, shaving soap etc).

For the men & hormonally-disrupted women among us, maybe you don't like beards now but, unless you perversely continue to scrape your faces with dangerously sharp metal blades, they may well grow on you. Given time, yours too might get long & white...

Growing a beard is like having a dog - you can stroke it & scratch it.

I think I will take my beard for a walk. Feed it. Teach it to do tricks...

I hope it doesn't get fleas or ticks.

 

 

dkbeard2.jpg (117316 bytes)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my pet polar bear(d)

 

see how it grows...

Longer...

KimonoDK.jpg (58197 bytes)

 

B(e)ard

(January 2011)

 

 

Do YOU have a Long White Beard (or one of any hue/ length for that matter)? Are you proud of it? Want to show it off? For a modest, one-off fee, you can display your facial hair here. Yours can be famous too!

Contact for terms

 

recent.jpg (72966 bytes)

 

&

 

L

o

n

g

e

r

 

 

   (January 2013)

   

 

Long BLACK beard (Yrs Truly in more hirsute days!)

Bearded Wonder (ditto)

Beard

Bird

Literary Links

Raving Reporter Files

 

 

 

 

 

 

a - z

home

contents

 

davyking.com