Year of the Dog: 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018...dog drinking.jpg (7301 bytes)

An epic shaggy-dog story in 365 lines...

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the Year of the Dog

is a son of a bitch

a scabby old mongrel

unless you're rich

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then it's a pedigree

Foxhound pup

lapping champagne

from a stirrup-cup

 

but God help the Communist

who flogs

Capitalist

Running Dogs

 

report him

to the R.S.P.C.A.

put him in the doghouse

is what I say

 

'cos a dog is loyal

a dog is true

it's a man's best friend

& a woman's too

 

dogs are helpful

dogs are kind

they lick your face

& guide the blind

 

they pee on lamposts

round up sheep

& lie doggo

in a heap

 

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dogs are useful

in so many ways

for instance huskies

will pull sleighs

 

stbernardsmall.gif (15088 bytes)a St Bernard dog

can be very handy

if you have

a taste for brandy

 

 

dogs have yet

to meet their match

when it comes to keeping

up to scratch

 

naturally dogs

have a few bad habits

like running off

& chasing rabbits

 

hairs on the carpet

can be quite revolting

especially if

your dog is moulting

 

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newspapers

tend to end up soggy

carried in the mouth

of your faithful doggy

 

 

small price to pay

if you ask me

except of course

for the licence fee

 

that doggy in the window

without the wagging tail

is going dog-cheap

in the summer sale

 

it's just like the one

in the Dulux ad

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a present for the kiddies

from mum & dad

 

but when the dog

begins to grow

it's left abandoned

in the snow

 

lock it in the pound

with the waifs & strays

hope it gets collected

within seven days

 

to British kids

a dog's a bow-wow

to Chinese children

it's a chow-chow

 

but call it pooch

or mangy cur

even flea-bitten

scavenger

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a dog's a dog

for aw that

& better than any

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yes I'd much rather

have a doggy

than any mincing

miaowing moggy

 

nice dogs woof

mad dogs howl

sad ones whimper

guard dogs growl

 

who said its bark

is worse than its bite

ask a once-bitten postman

if that's right

 

terrible terriers

terrorise their territory

but man bites dog

makes a better story

 

it'll want to test its teeth

on anything to chew

so give a dog a dogbowlbone.gif (1475 bytes) bone 

don't let it get your shoe

 

though it begs for scraps

from your dinner plate

impatient dogs

should learn to wait

 

let it eat leftovers

don't feed it from a tin

it'll only get fed-up

& burgle from the bin

 

it'll stuff itself

like a greedy hog

collapse on the carpet

& be sick as a dog

 

it'll drink as much water

as it can guzzle

& dog eats dog

so buy a muzzle

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butchers that sell dogmeat

could make a lot of cash

retailing Sausage dogs

for Bangers & Mash

 

wouldn't like to be

an Afghan hound

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with those damned Russians (1982)  OR   Yankee rednecks (2006) Plus ša change!

roaming around

 

the British Bulldog

was a fearsome sight

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it's a dying breed now

in a sorry plight

 

some dogs are white

some are black

others have a yellow streak

down their back

 

red dogs brown dogs

dogs of many hues

big dogs small dogs

you can pick & choose

 

good dogs go walkies

when they're told

bad dogs refuse

to be controlled

 

dogs like people

are idiosyncratic

that's my PET theory

but I'm being DOGmatic

 

most dogs love

a belly-rub

but are not so fond

of the scrubbing tub

 

when dogs swim

they do the doggy-paddle

piddle in the water

& skedaddle

 

they just shake themselves

if they're soaking wet

they know nothing

about etiquette

 

dogs aren't inhibited

they'll shake paws with anyone

they're not afraid to cock a leg

& have some fun

 

Rin Tin Tin

was a canny mutt

but didn't indulge

in any smut

 

Bonzo Snoopy

Fido Rex

are not averse

to a bit of sex

 

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have you seen that Lassie

when she's in heat

she's the finest fucking female            

on four feet

 

it does however

appear Queer

how dogs enter

at the rear

 

doggies of the world

unite

share that bone

no need to fight

 

in former times

they used to say

that every dog

would have its day

 

they've got the whole year

they've got the whole year

  in 2006

  & those young dogs

  will learn old tricks

in 1982        (1994, 2006, 2118 etc)                      OR

so who knows what

those dogs might do       (find your own rhyme!)

 

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you can't teach an old dog

new tricks they say

but I'm gonna try

the Woodhouse way

I guarantee

that I can train

miniature Poodle

& Great Dane

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Great Dane sitting2.jpg (29234 bytes)

Beagle Mastiff

& AlsatianDalmatian dog2.jpg (31692 bytes)

Irish Wolfhound

or Dalmation

 

Chihuahua Collie

Cocker Spaniel

any wet-nosed wagger

in the Dog-Lover's Manual

 

I don't care

you name the breed

I'll put the bugger

on a lead

 

I'll ring a bell

like Pavlov did

& drooling dog

will do as bid

my performing dogs

will be stars of the circus

they'll ride unicycles

& dance Mazurkas

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at the moment

I'm teaching my dogs to heel

if they get it wrong

they miss a meal

 

Kennel Dog Leash      (Kenny Dalglish, famous Scottish footballer?!)

is ace at football

fetches sticks

comes when you call

 

but it's no use commanding

your dog to SIT

if you've got a lisp

he'll think you said SHIT

 

& just when it's done

a steaming jobby

on Her Majesty's footpath

up will come a local Bobby

 

this stern representative

of the Law

will put a handcuff

on your poor pet's paw

 

the judge will denounce

the dirty dog's ways

& bind it over

for thirty days

 

polite police dogs

German shepherd walking 1.jpg (3696 bytes)leave no excrement

as they track down felons

by their scent

 

rude dogs meeting

with their chums

in greeting sniff

each other's bums

 

when doggies smell

in the other sense

it's likely to

cause some offense

 

although it's a dumb

unfeeling brute

its sense of hearingdogears.jpg (15508 bytes)

is acute

 

high-pitched sounds

we cannot hear

are audible

to canine ear

 

if their ears

are large & floppy

chances are

they'll act all soppy

 

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with their drooping jowls

& mournful eyes

these clown-philosophers

look quite wise

 

 

some have noble heads

some have hangdog features

they really are the most

paraDOGSical of creatures

 

my dogs are beauties

but I wouldn't let them go

degrading themselves

at Cruft's Dog Show

 

a dog that stands there panting

with its tongue hanging out

is no doubt nowt

but an ill-bred lout

 

if your dog's nose

is never wet

make an appointment

with the vet

 

your little whelp

could well have worms

distemper

or some doggy germs

 

puppies require

inoculation

randy dogs

invite castration

 

the RoyalRoyalcorgi.gif (5175 bytes)Corgis

may bite babies

Beware Diana      (in 1982 not everyone revered the then living princess)

there's a risk of rabies

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the King Charles Spaniel

is a dog that's born to lead

it's the kind of dog

that people in this country need

 

wog dogs must go

into Quarantine

it's a dog's life

if you know what I mean

 

let sleeping dogs lie

or thWolfRunningInSnow5.jpg (12755 bytes)ey may get riled

your domesticated wolf

still dreams of running wild

 

 

I wouldn't send a dog out

on a night like this

unless I thought it needed

to take a piss

 

Scotty Dogs in winter

wear tartan coats

& Hibs United scarves     (Scottish Football team)

tied round their throats

 

I sport a dogs-tooth check

look like a dog's dinner

ain't got no dog collar

I'm a sinner

 

I'm lazy as a lap dog

like to sleep all day

sitting on some lady's knee

or like a puppy play

 

I'm a low-down worthless dog

I've gone to the dogs alright

I get up to some dog-tricks

late at night

 

in this neck of the woods

I've got a dog's chance

I'll do the dog-gone dogtrot

do you want to dance

 

come home to my kennel

have a chat      (chat=French for cat!)

we could talk in husky voices

& chew the fat

 

but this pretty pussy

can smell danger

she declines my offer

like a dog in the manger

 

perhaps I'm barking

up the wrong tree

no dog-lovers

fall for me

 

my dogged advances

are undesired

my tail's between my legs

I feel dog-tired

 

I'll curl up in my basket

& sleep like a loghot dog plain2.jpg (13383 bytes)

in the morning I'll breakfast

on a cold hot dog

 

maybe I'll change

my name to Rover

have a hair of the dog

for my hangover

 

going round in circles

to no avail

the Year of the Dog

is chasing its tail

DAVY KING

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24th Anniversary Edition

(written 1982, updated 2006)

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Year of the Dog: the MOVIE!

The Magic Bone

Dog photos

Other Animals

A-Z

Contents

Homepage

Get your very own DOG T-SHIRT

(& Support this Site)

NEW: Year of the Dog products - a wide range available here

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Lots of PRACTICAL & FUN items

Every purchase supports this site - please help!

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Also published as CD-ROM (ISBN: 0-9550199-1-5), featuring text, video, audio & some 'extras':

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